God has gifted me, and I thank Him for that. During most recent days, God has been preparing my heart and my mind for something greater. As He prepares me for what lies ahead, I have no desire but to fully trust Him because, to be honest, I can’t see nor begin to fathom what He may be doing. What He’s preparing for me. What He’s removing from me. What’s being formed behind the scenes without my knowledge and insight. What He will move and shift to make room, yet I know His intentions are good towards me and for me.
The Mastermind is at work, and because I am His valued creation and we have a rich history, I know whatever it is will be God’s personal best for me.
In saying this from my lips and believing this truth in my heart, I’m throwing my full faith in the direction in which I see God mightily at work. Even still, some days are tough. This season has proven to be one that’s most joyful on mountaintop days, but I can openly admit that the valley days work me to the very core of my buried emotion, and still, I press.
Last Sunday was one of my “press” days. I am still looking to find a church home in SC. Often, I am reminded of the church covenant in the back of the burgundy hymnals at JBC telling me to reunite with a body of believers as soon as possible, wherever I go. Since a kid, those words were planted and now I seek the manifestation. I moved solo last week and wanted to stay at home on Sunday morning, but, The Spirit rested on me with an extreme heaviness. The Voice spoke, repeatedly. I tried to silence The Voice, but I couldn’t. I left home, late, with not even the slightest inclination of where I was headed. Eyes rolled and feet dragged along the floor. I was given very specific orders about next steps and I kept asking God, “is this real, are you serious.” And again, I pressed. I was prompted to sow a seed and could hear, as it was sown, “you will see the seed manifest in ways this week that will far exceed anything monetary.” Once I drove around aimlessly, I landed in a service. At the appropriate time, I prayed over the seed before sowing. I prayed that God allow me to feel love around me last week. I asked that He pour even the smallest measure back into me that I pour out, daily. He assured me that He would. Sometimes, I desire such an in-filling.
And honestly, He did just what He said He would… and more.
I have learned and am still learning that two things, two emotions, can exist in one space at any given time. My burden existed alongside my obedience on Sunday, and the fruit it bore blessed me last week. I had moments of seeing the manifestation of God’s gifts in my life played out, on BOLD, yet I had to trudge through the grief.
When I felt lonely, God gave me connection through friends and strangers as I served my new community.
When I felt unheard, my masseuse turned our normal silent sessions into a self care vs. soul care challenge where her bed became a sofa, and she gave me “a talking to.” It was firm yet gentle… co-existing.
When the kids and I gave back last week, they were blessed with a financial seed for their deeds.
When I felt as though I lacked faith, I asked God for a glimpse of glory, and He gave me His yes and allowed it to manifest before my eyes within an hour the same day.
When I felt lack, the skies were truly mesmerizing during an early morning where God displayed His abundance in God-sized grandeur.
When I felt tired, my friend stayed up with me via Zoom and got me through a dreaded task, and we both finished with a smile and so much love. Keep in mind, we’re in our auntie eras, and quiet time and sleep are important to us, Beloved.
When I felt overwhelmed, I received a message that my phone bill was decreasing by over $83.50. Some would call it random and small. I call it on time and gracious.
When I needed reassurance, I connected with one of my best NC girls on Saturday, and unbeknownst to us, the bill was paid before we could finish our meal.
And the sweetest, most thoughtful way that God loved on me was on Friday. The grief that I sat in was heavy on my bi-weekly therapy session. I was encouraged by my therapist to find the root of annoyance, frustration and the feeling of insignificance, and there, within, lay deep-rooted sadness. As I balled my eyes out before work, I had a knock on my car window. A teacher stood with a gift. I mouthed that I was on therapy (it’s no secret my way), yet she still motioned for me to roll the window down. Inside of the daintiest bag was a cup. Not just any cup but a Stanley cup. It was pink. My favorite color, and it was engraved with these very special words:
“From When to Win”
Majoria Pearson
…The title of my book...
And in the moment, all composure was lost. God honored me because of my obedience, and He answered my prayers each day in a way that I would know it was Him alone.
By no means was the week easy. It was the toughest I’ve had in a while. Still, God showed up to meet me at every intersection. The gift and grief coexisted this week, and two things were true at one time.
And in all of my big emotions, God still met me.
Loved on me.
Honored me.
… and I made it! Hope collided with grace, and there was love. The ultimate gift.
“Two emotions, can exist in one space at any given time“. So true!!